How anorexia ate me up

Read my previous posting about how I love Starbucks? I didn't even dare to eat ice cubes that made from water at the time I was anorexic. I know I was anorexic when I read The Olsen Twins on some magazines about Mary Kate Olsen. I didn't want to be that way forever. I exercised excessively, I ate only one orange and a bowl of papaya a day, I always exhausted and the hunger made me feel cranky all the time. I isolated myself for a long time. I didn't have the power to walk up the stairs but I do feel pump up to exercise. I see thinness but I feel fatness all over me. I went for aerobics and fitness six days a week, three hours a day. I never go out because I was afraid to eat. I was scared and felt alone. At that time, nobody understands me except for my Mom. I didn't want to see my friends because they always told me to eat something. I got angry at them for just doing that. I wasted almost three years of my life doing those daily routines of just exercising, isolated myself from friends and eating, never go out and being cranky and scared and angry. Can you imagine that? Now, I felt so sorry for those who gets the same eating disorder as I am. It's not something that you can just leave. You have to build a strong mind and soul. Otherwise, It will come and eat you up again. Even when you're healthy again, sometimes it comes and surround you. I'm tired of it and now, every single day, I talk to my mind " you're young, you still have your chance to build yourself up again, being beautiful and you're not fat, you're just the right size, you already exercised a lot and you will never ever get fat". It works and I'm still working on it. Oh, did I told you that I also having a hard time breathing at the time? and also my heart beats sometimes slower than usual and then just go faster and faster until I sweat like crazy? well, it happens. What worse is that my weight went down from 47 to 35 kg. And when I moved to Singapore, I didn't see my therapist, trying to survive by myself and because of the crashing diets, I ended up putting on weight soooo fast that I gain so much til 60 kg. It was a nightmare.

NOW, I am 48 kg, eating right, and building a beautiful mindset.

For those who their loved ones suffering, please get help as soon as possible. I've been through hell and it was not pretty at all. I was in desperate need of help.